MV Review Meets Lesbianism in Kpop 2.5/?: G-Friend's Navillera

Parts 1 and 2 of this regular series.



Today's special crossover episode is brought to you by the fact that Navillera, G-Friend's latest thinly veiled clone of all their previous songs (this time: more synths), is gay as all hell.


I discovered while writing this review that it is fucking impossible for me to tell these girls apart. It's almost as bad as Red Velvet at this point (I can't tell those bitches apart even though I know one of them from high school!).

Anyway, I've now determined that there's one who looks like Jessica Jung (SinB), one who looks like a pig (Umji), one with braids (Yuju???), one who's kinda hot (Sowon) and TWO FREAKING LESBIANS.

This is some gay shit right here

 Apparently their names are Eunha (the one with the short hair) and Yerin (...the other one). They are the stars of this video, the premise of which is that the six girls are hanging around doin' friendship stuff (rollerblading, abusing stuffed toys) while two of them fall slowly yet deeply in love.

Subtle

 This is all set to the tune of a song that sounds exactly like every previous G-Friend release, except that it has more synths which is making everyone say that it's Jpop influenced even though let's be real this is a perfect clone of their schoolgirl trilogy songs right down to the weirdly intense guitar solo at the bridge.

Eunha, you creep

I mean, I'm not really complaining: this group does one thing and one thing only, but they do it really damn well. The choreography is inventive and expertly executed as usual -- I'm really looking forward to the dance version of this because I remember being really impressed by their previous ones. The guitar solo is fun, if a little strange (who is playing these? If one of these girls is secretly a hard rocker I'm gonna be into it). The "na-na-na-navillera" chant in the pre-chorus is catchy as hell. It's a fun, up-tempo jam that is sure to get a lot of play this summer. The one downside is that their composer keeps pulling out all the same musical and harmonic tricks. There were multiple points in the song where the synth riffs matched up with material from Glass Bead, or where I expected the chorus from Rough to come in. That doesn't make it a bad song -- it just makes it a little bit too familiar.

Ah yes, my old familiar (girl)friend

We're ranking on three metrics today:

Song/Video Overall: I'm gonna give it a 4/5, because I have to admit it's a jam, and the video is nicely shot, styled and edited. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't prefer something totally different from the G-Friend ladies. They have the talent to pull off something totally left-field. Oh My Girl is doing weird shit all the time, and I'd love to see these girls do the same.

Lesbian Convincingness: 3.5/4. Sure, I'll buy it. There's enough meaningful glances to convince me. Plus that heart-drawing incident is really fucking gay.

Lesbian Hotness: 1.5/4. This is chaste as hell. The only points this gets comes from me imagining these two fucking (don't worry, they're both 19, even though they're styled like they're 12).

An Extremely Thorough Exploration of Lesbianism in Kpop – Part 2/?

Part 1 can be found here.

Once again, in the interests of comparison and standard-setting, each video’s lesbianism will be ranked on two metrics: how hot it is, and how convincing it is. They will be graded out of four (four scissors, obviously). Now let's get to the good stuff:

Rainbow Blaxx - Cha Cha

God damn, Rainbow is so underrated. Everybody shit on the perfectly good Black Swan for no reason, and then nobody paid any attention to Whoo even though the music video featured Jaekyung straight up not wearing pants. Honestly, we are given so many good things in this life and we so often fail to appreciate them.

How can you not respect this kind of commitment?

Anyway, a couple years ago, Rainbow decided to make a play for relevancy by creating a sexy-concept subunit, Rainbow Blaxx. Though it was sadly short-lived, it did manage to produce the incredibly hot and faintly gay Cha Cha.

Mmm, platonic mutual finger-licking

This video's premise is incomprehensible to me (they're in a dessert-themed lesbian brothel? They spit diamonds? All the backup dancers are dressed as french maids?), but it serves as a tribute to the world's most popular fetishes with a heavy dose of girl-on-girl action.

Subtle french maid foot fetish action at the bottom there

Rainbow picked subunit members extremely well. Jaekyung is one of those people who both has an incredible body and knows how to eye-fuck a camera, Seungah is both a surprisingly good singer and a knockout, Woori brings the rapping variety and also joins Jaekyung in the department of ridiculous legs and god bless Hyunyoung, who is off-the-charts charismatic and has the body to match.

Hyunyoung's boobs are like the eighth wonder of the world.

The video is light on plot and heavy on sexy dessert-eating. Woori and Seungah hang out on a couch together in a very very very sexually charged fashion.

You got your lesbianism, you got your voyeurism...

 There's some binoculars-framing and a weird lady shows up to measure everyone's body parts (which seems really unfair. If you put people in a fancy dessert palace and insist they seductively eat stuff, they're gonna gain some weight), which suggests some kind of voyeuristic brothel situation.

I think this lady runs the lesbian fetish brothel but it's hard to be sure

Honestly who gives a fuck though! The song is a jam, and the girls of Rainbow Blaxx are so sexy that they could be standing around perfectly still in full-length parkas and it would still be hot. The fact that this video features a who's who of fetishes, mild lesbianism and plenty of lingerie is just the best bonus in the world.

Hotness: 4 scissors. You just can't argue with shit like this; there is truly something for everyone here, and it's all gold. 

Convincingness: 3 scissors. This is actually relatively short on lesbianism, but Woori, Seungah, Jaekyung and Hyunyoung sell the shit out of everything they do, including sexy gay finger-licking and french-maid toenail painting. People got laid on this set, for sure.

Anda - Touch

I don't want to spoil anything, but this video is lesbian as fuck. They straight up insinuate oral in this video. I'm not kidding you. Here it is:

Just spreading a girl's legs and then clutching this pillow while a girl slides down my chest for no reason!!!!!!!!

This shit writes itself, I'm telling you.

Naked in a bathtub with another woman -- so heterosexual!

But anyway, before you click play on this video I have to warn you that the song is extremely irritating. I would recommend putting it on mute. Maybe listen to Fiona Apple's Criminal instead (because that's where this video got all of its aesthetic inspiration from. They basically just took Criminal and made it about lesbians instead of like, youthful malaise or whatever).

Off to an excellent start 

So our girl is at some kind of all-girl sleepover, which is a great setting for lesbian action. And indeed, lesbian action ensues. There are multiple shots where Anda is doing something vaguely sexy in the foreground while girls actually make out in the background.

See? I would never lie to you

Anda herself also engages in some Sapphic funtimes. She hangs out in a bathtub while being straddled by a woman. She lies on a bed while being straddled by a woman. We get some of the aforementioned leg-spreading and oral-simulating. It's amazing. I cannot recommend this highly enough, if you are at all interested in hot girls doing sexy things to each other.

This really doesn't need any elaboration

Hotness: 3.5 scissors. I'd give it a perfect 4 if I liked Anda's face a little better and I hadn't previously been spoiled by Jaekyung et al. She has a great body, though (as do all the other lesbians at this party).

Convincingness: 4 scissors. Uh, yeah. Not really much more to say about that.

An Extremely Thorough Exploration of Lesbianism in Kpop – Part 1/?

Girl groups are, by nature, pretty gay. You have a bunch of hot, similarly-aged girls spending all their time together, dancing around while scantily clad, doing sexy choreography, etc. Sure, everybody has long hair and wears dresses (with the notable exception of Amber) and grinds on chairs for their gentleman viewers, but you can’t deny that it’s a little … Sapphic. So in honour of lesbianism real and feigned, sexy and boring, publicly denied and publicity-stunted, here’s a look at some kpop videos that have featured a bit of girl-on-girl action.

In the interests of comparison and standard-setting, each video’s lesbianism will be ranked on two metrics: how hot it is, and how convincing it is. They will be graded out of four (four scissors, obviously).

Four Ladies – Move

You know a music video is going to be a classy affair when the song starts with a man muttering “so sexy … danger … ” and the accompanying visual is a bunch of women rolling around on the floor and grabbing at their crotches. The choreography in this video is so over-the-top sexual that it becomes hilarious. It looks like they’re trying to fuck ghosts.

But on to the lesbian storyline. It begins with one (admittedly pretty hot) girl applying lipstick. Off to a great start – bitches love lipstick. She then locks eyes with another girl in a weirdly empty bar, causing her to drop a wine glass. It’s unclear what startled her so much. Neither of them looked that interested in their allegedly passionate gaze.

While all this goes on, the song says “kiss, kiss me boy”. Sending some mixed messages here, Four Ladies! But on to the good shit:

Our heroines are now wearing white dress shirts and flopping their hair into each other’s faces. So sexual! A boob grab is interrupted by a camera cut. There’s some thigh-grabbing action. Is she touching her bra? I can’t tell because the camera cuts are so quick! Ooh, ass grab. Why are you staring into the camera, stare into each other’s eyes!

They sort of pretend to kiss but they really obviously do not kiss. And that is the end of the lesbian action, which was totally intended to be a bold statement about gay rights and not just an attempt to make men horny.

I know the way I described this made it sound deeply unsexy. Trust me when I tell you that the actual video is even less hot. I’m actually kind of mad about how poorly this was executed. I was so ready for some music video softcore lesbian porn!

Hotness: 2.5 scissors. I cannot deny that these are some good-looking women who are not wearing a lot of clothing. But the most clothing is worn during the alleged sex scene, which was a huge disappointment.

Convincingness: 3 scissors. These women did not seem attracted to each other whatsoever. But! They did commit to some real tits and ass-grabbing, which I can respect. Next time, actually make out!

Girl’s Day – Female President

This is the video that sold me on kpop. Is it because it contains a lesbian subplot? Maybe. Is it because Yura bends over wearing what is **allegedly** a skin-coloured bodysuit and is actually just a really really short dress? That is the more likely of the two options. 

But! Lesbian subplots, especially coming from an established group like Girl’s Day, are few and far between, and should therefore be appreciated. Basically, it consists of Hyeri, in drag, flirting with Minah. Minah sexily eats a cupcake out of Hyeri’s hand. Subtle. Minah pulls Hyeri in for a kiss (by the tie!), but the camera cuts away before their lips touch. Got that plausible deniability for the censors, baby!

Everyone in Girl’s Day is smoking hot, but that is hidden for the first half of the video by their absolutely horrendous styling, which consists of what appears to be zebra print bikinis, cloth tails and gross slicked-back hair. Fortunately, things pick up around Yura’s rap break, which is ass-tastic.

Minah is a surprisingly good actress. Her flirting is obviously fake but still sort of cute. Hyeri is … not. Maybe her character was supposed to act like he/she had a stick up his/her ass, in which case, Hyeri should get an Academy Award.

Hotness: 2 scissors. For a group working with such excellent material, they somehow made this lesbian subplot both weirdly chaste and poorly styled.

Convincingness: 4 scissors. This was actually genuinely flirty. Was it rife with sexual tension? No. But that tie-pull looked real. I’d give 7-1 odds that Minah and Hyeri are actually fucking.