Every Solo Debut from 2015 Reviewed

DISCLAIMER: I got this list off Wikipedia because my memory isn't flawless so please don't get on my ass in the comments if I've missed something. 

In honour of Fei's sextastic solo debut, I've decided to do a mini review (like, a few sentences. I have a day job) of every single female solo debut from 2015 and 2016 (so far, obviously). The 2016 reviews are going to be in the next post, because I don't want this to kill your phones when you try to load it. Why am I only reviewing girl group solo debuts? Because I don't give a fuck about boy groups, that's why. Deal with it. I'm doing this in alphabetical order and this is all just my opinion so don't come whining to me if I shit on your faves. They probably deserve it. Okay, buckle up kids, because here we go:



Listen, I love Kpop's Out-est Lesbian. She seems genuinely cool. She's friends with everyone! I just wish she had made friends with someone who could make a better fucking beat. What is this half-assed horn nonsense? Also I have no idea what Taeyeon is doing in this song. Next time, try fewer celebrity cameos and more decent music-making.







The only thing this gets points for is being inspired by The Martian, which was a truly bomb movie. Don't play the piano with your toes, Yerin! That is so disrespectful. Also, I feel disrespected by how boring this song is.




This is the single kpop ballad I will willingly listen to. Take from that what you will. Also, vampires!



The worst form of boring ballad is the boring ballad DUET. Also fuck k.will. HOWEVER, I do respect that they skipped the bullshit hugging and hand-holding and went straight for rolling around in bed mostly naked.



Highlights include: Goo Hara simulating fellatio on a popsicle, Goo Hara in short shorts, Goo Hara licking a beater, Goo Hara doing body rolls. Downsides include: the actual music, which is some sappy adult contemporary bullshit.



You can count on an Orange Caramel girl to do some out-of-left-field shit, and Lizzy does not disappoint. It's a trot-inspired song where they spliced her into a 1961 historical drama to create the music video. I'm not particularly passionate about the song itself, but I have to respect the ingenuity.



This is a weirdly anti-woman (I am a woman too, so I ... cry a lot? I don't even fucking know) generic R&B-lite ballad and, speaking as someone who is unduly fond of Girl's Day as a whole, I hate it. Plus everything she wears in the video is stupid.




I had never heard this before I started writing this post and I ... don't hate it? Usually I abhor sad ballad nonsense. Maybe it's because it vaguely reminds me of Yenny's debut song (which is amazing by the way) I don't know what to tell you guys. The heart wants what it wants.



On the other hand, I hadn't heard this either and now I wish I had never had the opportunity to do so! My heart goes out to the other 366,760 people who had to endure this song.



Okay I know this is heresy but I don't like this song. I do not like her wail-yodel in the chorus. I do not like Verbal Jint. I do not care how pretty New Zealand is. I am not inspired by the ridiculous plot of the video. This sounds like Celine Dion singing over a Coldplay track.  Her new stuff is much better and you should listen to it instead.




Generic sad ballad, I am bored, goodbye.

And that was 2015! Apparently Yeseul from 4Ladies also released something, but there's no video on YouTube so I'm not gonna bother with it. Also, I didn't review any nugu crap. Sorry 'bout it. Look out for my first-half-of-2016 roundup, coming soon.

Concepts That Don't Suck (Anything But YOUR BLOOD)

A lot of kpop girl group music videos are basically identical. You could swap out the four to nine hot girls for a different four to nine hot girls and end up with at least 90% of modern MV releases.

For example, both Brave Girls and whatever the Produce 101 clusterfuck is called (IOI?) just realized videos with essentially the same concept, which in turn is a thinly veiled rehash of the TWICE Cheer Up tactic, which in turn is a rip-off of this: differentiate your eight thousand members by having them each hang out in a different clichéd setting. That way you can watch the video and be like "damn, the tennis player/nurse/Audrey Hepburn knockoff is sexy," instead of saying "damn, the third girl with long dark hair -- no, not that one, the one wearing pink -- no, the OTHER one wearing pink -- is sexy.")

So what is an embittered management company to do? What concepts can they use without incurring the wrath of random internet bloggers?


Vampires.

"Twilight ruined vampires!" you shout at me from behind your laptop screens. "Shut up, dumb tweens!" I respond. The vampire concept can still be good (and sexy) if done right, and it would be cool if some of the squeaky clean new-generation groups used vampires to sex up their images (yeah, I know, TWICE had zombies. But zombies are not sexy).

The OG vampire/death imagery video is 4Minute's (may they rest in peace) iconic Volume Up, which is not only one of their best songs but also produced an extremely gothtastic and visually lush video. Featuring ominous whispering, snakes, light choking, human skulls, red-eyed Hyuna, church-running, some truly wild costuming, a sexy tango sequence, and people materializing from and vanishing into black smoke, it's one of kpop's most visually and aurally satisfying moments.



Next, Sunmi went pure vampire with a markedly-creative-for-2014 vision in blood red and stark black and white. It also features the surprisingly cool effect of having guest rapper Lena Ahn (may her career rest in peace) teleport to and fro while wearing thigh-highs. On the one hand, we get it, you're a vampire, super speed, whatever. On the other hand ... SPECIAL EFFECTS!!!!!!!! Plus, Sunmi looks hot sucking blood from some poor dude and grinding up on a couch. It's well-styled, well-shot, and sexy without slipping too far into camp.

Our third contender in the kpop vampire-off is Choa's solo debut.



It's a somewhat boring ballad, which already kicks it pretty far back into second place. The death blow is the distinct lack of Choa in the actual video. But what makes up for the lack of AOA's reigning queen of sexyface is how straight-up dark this video is. It's pretty hard to take Choa's soulful crooning seriously when the actress in the video is straight up dragging some girl around by a neck chain while her eyes glow red. And at the end of the video (spoiler alert) she kills herself from guilt, I guess, by going out in to the sun AND BURNING UP INTO ASH! Don't even try to tell me this is some heartfelt meditation on lost love. This video is a horror movie, no doubt about it. There is body dragging. There is Catholic imagery. There is vampire suicide. What more can you ask for from a music video?

So next time you've got a special effects team, a bunch of creepy angel statues, and an actor who's better at lying around corpse-like than making actual facial expressions, try a vampire concept.